The first time I heard the term “self-sabotage” was from Gina Livy—you know, the powerhouse behind the wildly popular Livy Method that’s helped so many of us rethink our relationship with food (and yes, shed a few pounds along the way). The phrase stopped me in my tracks. Sure, we all know people in our lives who tell us what we can’t do (newsflash, not helpful and certainly not motivating) — but what about that sneaky little voice inside our own heads? That’s when it hit me: self-sabotage might just be our most convincing enemy, the one quietly tripping us up before we even take the first step toward our goals.
How many times have we said to ourselves, “Oh, my life is just too busy to do ….” (insert your own words) or “I can’t get to that because I need to do ….first”? And our first immediate thought is to shut something down before we even attempt to try?
I admit that I can slip into this mentality, too. But the thing is, I KNOW I can do hard things. Wait…even the word “hard” is already a negative. So, I’m trying to catch myself in these moments. I’ve proven to myself before that I CAN overcome these thoughts! . Self-sabotage has no one else to answer to but ourselves.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage (also called self-defeating behaviour) refers to actions or thought patterns that prevent you from reaching your goals, even when you consciously want to succeed. These include procrastination, perfectionism, avoidance, negative self-talk, or undermining your own efforts.
Self-sabotage often seems irrational, but psychological research shows it has internal logic: it usually protects self-esteem, avoids feared outcomes (like failure or rejection), or helps maintain familiar emotional states—even if they are painful.
So, why do we do it?
There are many reasons that have been scientifically researched. Here are a few…
Fixed vs Growth Mindset:
A study from the University of Toronto found that people who view their abilities as fixed (i.e. you either have talent or you don’t) tend to become anxious and underperform when they experience sudden success, compared to those with growth mindsets (i.e. abilities can be developed). This suggests that fear of success or fear of not being able to maintain high performance can trigger self-sabotaging behaviours.
Self-debilitating:
Also known as self-handicapping happens when we sometimes deliberately create obstacles (e.g. not studying, or waiting till the last minute) so that failure can be attributed to the obstacle rather than to a lack of ability. This preserves self-esteem in the short term.
Perfection and Fear of Failure:
Perfectionism is often associated with self-sabotage. When we feel goals are too high or expectations unrealistic, the risk of disappointing ourselves or others becomes so magnified that we may avoid striving, delay, or undermine effort to avoid that risk.
Harsh Inner Critic:
People who are highly self-critical tend to treat mistakes as catastrophic. The fear of being judged—by self or others—can lead to avoidance or undermining their own work. Conversely, self-compassion (kindness toward self in adversity) is correlated with resilience, less self-sabotage, and more willingness to try again after setbacks.
Negative or Distorted Beliefs:
Limiting beliefs (e.g., “I’m not worthy”) often underlie self-sabotaging behaviours. These distorted beliefs influence automatic thought-loops and emotional responses. Cognitive behavioural theories suggest that identifying and challenging these distortions is key to change.
Trauma or Past Experiences:
Some self-sabotage can also be rooted in earlier life experiences: trauma, patterns of guilt, or shame. These can set up subconscious or emotional reactions that trigger self-defeating behaviour even if it’s unrelated to what you’re doing, or planning to do.
What Can We Do About Self-Sabotage?
Here are some easy daily strategies that have been proven to help reduce or overcome self-sabotage. Try more than one and see what works for you. I subscribe to the two-week theory. That is, make a conscious effort to practice something for two weeks. For me, that’s the timeframe something becomes a habit.
Cultivate Self-Compassion:
Practice kindness toward yourself when you make mistakes; treat yourself like you would a good friend. Recognize that everyone fails, and that failure is part of learning. Listen to what you’re saying to yourself and shift your approach.
Mindfulness and Self-Awareness:
Noticing thoughts and emotions as they arise (“this is a self-sabotaging thought”), without judgment. Interventions such as mindfulness practices and MBCT (Mindfulness-Based CBT) help you catch patterns before they spiral.
Set Realistic Goals:
Set smart and realistic goals; break big tasks into smaller, manageable steps and celebrate small wins. This lessens the overwhelming feeling, which can trigger procrastination or avoidance.
Reframe Negative Beliefs:
Identify limiting beliefs, challenge them, and replace them with more balanced ones. For example, changing “I can’t do this” to “I may struggle, but I can try and improve.” Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is maybe worth learning more about.
Let Go of Perfectionism:
Recognize that perfection is unrealistic. Accepting that mistakes happen. Understand that your “good enough” often is more than enough, and that progress is more sustainable than perfect peaks. Acknowledge what you’ve learned through the process and move forward.
Build a Support System:
Share your goals with people you trust, but this doesn’t mean relying on them to achieve your goals. Remember, everyone has their own shit to deal with. Perhaps working with a therapist or mindset coach can help you observe your patterns, give feedback and offer tools to keep you motivated.
Embrace Discomfort and Failure:
Shift how you view failure! See failures as learning, temporary, and informative. Expose yourself gradually to challenging tasks to build tolerance. This is how we learn and grow. This is one of the best life tools to teach kids, too. What’s that saying? “It’s not how we fall, it’s how we get back up again.”
Some Great Reads:
I don’t claim to be any sort of authority on this matter, but I have been learning ways to help keep my own mental health in check, and what has helped. Here are some great articles if you are interested in reading more…
- Why you self-sabotage and simple ways to stop, according to a psychologist, by Christian Jarrett (BBC Science Focus)
- Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage: How to Overcome the “Golden Larva Syndrome”, by Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries (INSEAD Knowledge)
- 6 Ways to Stop Sabotaging Yourself, co-written by Zamfira Parincu and Tchiki Davis (Psychology Today)
- What Is Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT)? by Nancy Schimelpfening (VeryWell Mind)
- How Does Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Work? (Medical News Today)
On another note, I recently listened to Josie Santi of The Everygirl Podcast. There’s an episode titled “5 Happy Girl Habits: What the Happiest Women in the World Do Every Day.“ I was literally so happy to listen to it…twice. I’ve also been incorporating these tips into my life for a while. But Josie reinforces these helpful points that are easily digestible and doable on a daily basis. The podcast episode is worth sharing! Give it a listen!
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